- The never ending voice in my head telling me, "I am ok, I will be ok, life will go on."
- Smiling and laughing while out with my friends, because, well, it's "good for me to be out" and it gives the appearance that life is going on
- Life going on, as if nothing has changed
- The fact that everything has in fact changed
- Hiding my tears behind sunglasses
- Feeling like I need to keep my tears from my husband because he has already moved on to acceptance, and we don't need the two of us inhabiting my hell. I don't want to reopen the compartment he has been been able to close.
- My body returning to "empty" (hormone levels, uterus, etc.)
- Knowing that my uterus is in fact empty
- Occasionally hearing the voice that screams, "I am not okay!" and desperately trying to close that compartment
- The seemingly never ending cycle of anger turning to grief turning back to anger
- Wondering why my baby wasn't fit for this earth, when every single day crack addicts and 15 year old girls give birth to physically normal children
- Acclimating myself to our new "normal"
- Accepting that this is our new "normal"
- Remembering that everything has changed
And, ultimately....
- Accepting the fact that I had absolutely no control over what happened, and have no control over future pregnancies.
