Lots of blogging today

Today I'm vacillating between anger and depression.  I'm also feeling a ton of resentment.  I'm jealous of women who post their positive pregnancy test on Facebook immediately.  I wound never, EVER wish any pain or ill will on them, but I'm jealous that I will never and could never have that experience.  That any future excitement C and I feel will be tempered and pushed down by fear and anxiety.  I have absolutely no idea when I would think the next pregnancy is "okay" - probably once the apgar results are in and little one is in my arms.  Right now everything that just feels tainted.  I feel like we have lost so much innocence in this process and it makes me so, so angry.  I was so relieved that we were almost halfway through this pregnancy; I was starting to quiet down the scientist/geneticist in me, but now, she's thriving, she's taking control, and she's so angry.  I never expected to inhabit the tail ends of a normal distribution (does anyone?); yet here we are, trying desperately to learn to cope with it and to figure out where we go from here.

This pregnancy I was never calm; I was never confident that things were all well down in fetus land.  I refused to announce, and believed that announcing before the anatomy scan would be premature.  At the end of the day, I am at peace with this choice.  This means there are few people that we have to tell that our little man is not one for this world.  

My D&E is scheduled for Friday.  I've consulted my OB, my local peri, and had a day of testing at Columbia-NY Presbyterian, and all are in agreement that there is an underlying syndrome at play here and little one will pass on his own, and that at this point, the D&E is the best path forward.  No one second guessed me; the medical professionals were in complete agreement with the decision.

I'm not scared of the surgery; well, I am in that I'm terrified of waking to find that something went tragically wrong and I am now sans uterus.  I'm more scared of tomorrow; the prep for the procedure.  I have a very difficult time with having things inserted there; it just makes me wildly uncomfortable, and so knowing that as of tomorrow I will begin dilating, does not make me feel any better.  I hope that after the next 48 hours I have a bit more peace and a bit more closure, but of course it's possible I have unrealistic expectations.  

I don't know what to expect right now.  I have no idea what emotions I'm going to go through over the next 48, 72, 96 hours, weeks, months, etc.  And I have no idea what C will go through either; I just know that no matter what, we will be going through them together, comforting each other every step of he way, and that together, we will find a path forward for us, and hopefully for a family.