This pregnancy I was never calm; I was never confident that things were all well down in fetus land. I refused to announce, and believed that announcing before the anatomy scan would be premature. At the end of the day, I am at peace with this choice. This means there are few people that we have to tell that our little man is not one for this world.
My D&E is scheduled for Friday. I've consulted my OB, my local peri, and had a day of testing at Columbia-NY Presbyterian, and all are in agreement that there is an underlying syndrome at play here and little one will pass on his own, and that at this point, the D&E is the best path forward. No one second guessed me; the medical professionals were in complete agreement with the decision.
I'm not scared of the surgery; well, I am in that I'm terrified of waking to find that something went tragically wrong and I am now sans uterus. I'm more scared of tomorrow; the prep for the procedure. I have a very difficult time with having things inserted there; it just makes me wildly uncomfortable, and so knowing that as of tomorrow I will begin dilating, does not make me feel any better. I hope that after the next 48 hours I have a bit more peace and a bit more closure, but of course it's possible I have unrealistic expectations.
I don't know what to expect right now. I have no idea what emotions I'm going to go through over the next 48, 72, 96 hours, weeks, months, etc. And I have no idea what C will go through either; I just know that no matter what, we will be going through them together, comforting each other every step of he way, and that together, we will find a path forward for us, and hopefully for a family.