Thought of the day....

We've had unprotected sex during 4 fertile windows, have gotten 4 positive pregnancy tests, yet have no children.  Did you know it's possible to bat .000 while batting 1.000?

It has been a week since my surgery and while awash with emotions, I'm also quite numb.  I thought that it would bring me closure, but I feel like it's brought me nothing but grief.  The only true closure in a pregnancy is having a living, breathing, kicking baby in your arms.  True closure does not come in any other way.

I miss my son.  I miss waiting to feel his movements.  I miss knowing that he was inside of me, kicking and punching, and sometimes growing.  I miss the family that we had planned on becoming this Christmas. I miss me, the woman I was two weeks ago.

I'm so angry at myself because I never believed my little man okay.  I used to constantly ask my husband how we would react if something was chronically wrong with him.  I rarely talked to him because I was so afraid of losing him.  As I may have said earlier, I sobbed during my entire anatomy scan at 18 weeks because I just knew something wasn't right.  I left my 13 week early anatomy scan (done at the request of my peri) knowing something just wasn't right, even though no one said it.  Everyone tried to pacify me.  Asked me if I needed help dealing with my anxiety.  It breaks my heart that I was right.  It breaks my heart that I didn't show him more love when he was inside of me.  That at a point I actually asked him to stop trying so hard.  I told him I knew his program was failing, and that it was okay, mom and dad would understand, if it just stopped.

I'm a trained scientist and MBA.  I've always found comfort in statistics.  I've looked to science and math for answers.  And now I feel like they've both failed me.  DH and I have become the dreaded black swan.  We now inhabit the tail end of a distribution - a harsh, final line on one side, and a vast empty space distancing us from "normalcy" on the other side.  I ask myself constantly what I want from the testing - what, if anything will bring me peace.  Do I want the microarry to find something that will enable us to jump to IVF with PGD?  Do I want the full exome sequencing to be normal? 

Do I want to be told oh, just keep trying, you guys at least have good luck getting pregnant? how many more times can we roll the dice ourselves before it breaks us?  Do you ever become immune to this pain?  When we become pregnant do we just assume that it isn't going to work, live in hell during every moment of the pregnancy, only celebrating when we have a child in our arms?  Or do we wait until the threat of SIDs decreases?  If we are lucky enough to get pregnant again, when do I start loving that baby?  When do I let my guard down, and accept it with open arms?  What is our capacity for pain?  Do I want to get to a place where I become immune to this pain? When will I be able to love a fetus growing inside me rather than worry it's just going to depart too soon.

It only needs to work once.  Just ONCE.  I know it's one of the most complex processes (if not the most complex) process, but for millions of people it works every.single.day.  I beg to whatever is or isn't out there listening, for us to have that one time.  One day.