I'm so angry right now.
I'm so mad that we have to start all over again. That (hopefully) we will have the opportunity to once more go through 18 weeks of hell, with hope and prayers for a better outcome.
I'm so angry that it will literally be hell, that so much was taken from us, and that so much of the future has been taken from us unjustly.
I'm so angry at myself for feeling like I gave up on my little boy. What if he just needed more time? What if all the experts were wrong, and everything would have righted itself if we just gave it more time?
I'm so angry that at this time yesterday my uterus was full of life, and right now it's hollow.
I'm so angry that my husband now has to tell people that he's not going to be a dad. That I now cringe whenever I see a father with his son. I'm so angry that he has been robbed of this opportunity, that his son had to die.
I'm so angry that nothing will ever make this better.
Anger is so normal. I was angry at the world too. It does get better. It's hard to see now in the midst of the darkness and the anger, but sometime in the next couple weeks, something will make you laugh out loud. And then you'll cry because you feel guilty for laughing, and for feeling like you're moving on when you shouldn't be, and for having a second of normalcy when you feel like your life will never and should never be normal again. And then those little moments of normalcy get more and more frequent. You'll never stop missing him and you'll never get over it (OMG, if anyone ever says you should be over it, punch them), but you'll settle into a new normal eventually. Mine involved being insanely jealous of baby boys and pregnant women and avoiding them as much as possible, and hearing certain words that would trigger sobbing, and wondering how to live without everyone I encountered knowing that I lost my boy (checkout girl: why aren't you saying sorry? why are you acting like life is normal? MINE IS OVER!). Even those feelings eventually started to abate (cue: more guilt), though. It does happen. But it takes a LONG time.
ReplyDeleteTons and tons of love and hugs. If you want to talk, my email is in my profile.