Guilt

I often feel guilty for never speaking to my son while he was there.  In fact,  I recall sitting in the car, openly apologizing to him for my lack of verbal communication.  I told him I was sorry I couldn't find the words to speak or talk to him, but that I still needed confirmation.  I still needed to know that he was in for the long haul.  I told him these words when I "thought" he could hear, per the baby books of course, even though I knew he couldn't understand.  If he heard anything, he just heard the "blah blah blah"that the Charlie Brown characters hear whenever an adult speaks to him.

But still, I felt so guilty.  I would ask C if it was wrong of me.  At 18 weeks I was barely showing, it looked like maybe I ate an extra doughnut and couldn't button the top button of my Hudson's - so I bought maternity jeans - the only purchase made that put faith in my being in it for the "long haul".  I rarely ever touched my stomach, if I did, it was because I was uncomfortable and wanted to reinforce that there was, in fact, a baby in there.  Since he was a little small, it's possible I wasn't showing for that reason, or, it's possible I was bound to be a late shower.  My uterus did move up, so next time I may show earlier.

We went to Bellini, PBK, and I had planned a trip to Boston to go to RHB&C to look at nursery furniture.  There were a few other specialty shops on the list, but C & I went to Bellini & PBK together.  And I'll never forget the day.  He fell in love with a set at Bellini and wanted to buy it right there.  He was so ready, he was so "in".  But I wasn't.  My heart was still reserved and told him we had to wait.  The saleswoman assured us many times that the most we would lost if we canceled the order was $50.  What she didn't realize is that I didn't give a crap about the money.  If we were canceling that order it meant that it was because there would be no baby to sleep in it; that no baby would have come home.

I've told my therapist that if we are blessed with a next time, I won't be able to look at the ultrasound monitors or televisions until after the anatomy scan.  I won't be able to see anything on the screen.   A simple nod from the techs will be enough.  I waited until 14 weeks to start a pregnancy journal for this baby.  C put all the ultrasound pictures into the book, and put the book in the box, and the box is in storage.  All that is left of our son is in storage.  Whether or a storage unit, a hospital storage freezer, or recesses of our brans that we refuse to allow ourselves to enter.  That is where our son lives now.  C made the mistake of reading the journal before he put it in storage.  He was glad he did it while I was sleeping because he cried.  He cried at my words because my words told even the baby that I waited so long to write in his book, because I couldn't believe he was real, and that he would be coming home to us.  In it I wrote the story of the first time C heard his heartbeat via fetal doppler one morning at 9 weeks. We had had 2 ultrasounds at that point and saw Olive, but hearing his fast, strong heartbeat was a completely different experience.  C said hello to him and told him he sounded like a train.  and then nearly 11 weeks later, he said good-bye.

I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling guilty for thinking maybe I was at fault for not committing 100%; for needing so much to believe that my baby was healthy, and that in December he would be in my arms.  But now, with our ending, can you even blame me?