Things that exhaust me

things that exhaust me:

• The never ending voice in my head telling me, "I am ok, I will be ok, life will go on."
• Smiling and laughing while out with my friends, because, well, it's "good for me to be out" and it gives the appearance that life is going on
• Life going on, as if nothing has changed
• The fact that everything has in fact changed
• Hiding my tears behind sunglasses
• Feeling like I need to keep my tears from my husband because he has already moved on to acceptance, and we don't need the two of us inhabiting my hell.  I don't want to reopen the compartment he has been been able to close.
• My body returning to "empty" (hormone levels, uterus, etc.)
• Knowing that my uterus is in fact empty
• Occasionally hearing the voice that screams, "I am not okay!" and desperately trying to close that compartment
• The seemingly never ending cycle of anger turning to grief turning back to anger
• Wondering why my baby wasn't fit for this earth, when every single day crack addicts and 15 year old girls give birth to physically normal children
• Acclimating myself to our new "normal"
• Accepting that this is our new "normal"
• Remembering that everything has changed

And, ultimately....

• Accepting the fact that I had absolutely no control over what happened, and have no control over future pregnancies.